How to Navigate Conflict in a Relationship
No matter the type of relationship we have with others (friends, spouses, partners),
disagreements and conflicts happen. How we navigate these differences is important;
establishing “rules” when discussing conflicts is an integral part of maintaining important
relationships.
Conflicts are a normal part of a relationship. When appropriately managed, resolving
disagreements may often enhance our relationships because disagreements present opportunities
to re-establish trust and connection. Communicating effectively is key to handling conflicts
successfully. To manage conflicts well, we can first look to understand our partner's, spouse’s, or
friend’s lived experiences and collaborate on a solution. Below are ways in which we can
navigate towards successful conflict resolution:
Fair Arguing
Arguing “fairly” is a constructive method by which partners can effectively manage feelings
through conflicts. To fight fairly, couples must employ guidelines/boundaries to support the
relationship. Agree ahead of time to ground rules while engaging in conflict resolution, such as
to…
First establish the issues at hand
Agree on a common goal for the discussion
Set a time frame for the length of the discussion
Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. (“I feel like you’re not listening to me when…”
Refrain from name-calling
Avoid bringing up the past
Propose solutions
Discuss the pros and cons of each solution
Finally, when you arrive together at a solution, re-commit yourself to the relationship and
remember to ask for feedback from each other regularly.
The Lived Experience
As couples, how can we better understand our partner’s lived experiences?
Lived experiences are those in which people are directly affected by those issues most salient to
them at that moment. When we use the term “lived experience,” we mean knowledge based on
an individual's perspective and personal history. Consider focusing on your partner’s
perspectives when discussing your relationship needs.
Be direct. Plainly state your perspective so your partner knows your intentions and is not left
alone to try and figure things out. Refrain from assuming that your partner will know your
perspective. Also, be sure to validate your partner's feelings. While the context of their lived
experience is necessary, how they were made to feel is more significant and essential to
navigating potential conflict. Attending to a partner's emotions is vital to any healthy
relationship.
Changing the Scenery
How can we affirm and validate our partner’s needs while also acknowledging our own
feelings?
When conflict occurs, it can be difficult not to push back against a partner who may not be
“arguing fair.” Yet indulging in such negative reciprocity will only make the conflict worse. So
change the scenery. Focus on positive affirmations and behavior towards a partner rather than the
negative feelings you might be having. If you and your partner or friend find you both are falling
into negative patterns, take a break and “change the scenery,” both during and after the break.
When returning to a discussion, attend to what your partner is feeling and experiencing. This
attention may prevent misunderstandings before they continue.
Be intentional.
Changing the scenery is less about interpreting what you think is happening and more about
attending and checking how each other can show caring. Remember, the conflict itself is an
opportunity for couples to come together, not split apart over their challenges, and it's not the
context of who said or did what that matters but how we reach each other through caring.